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Untitled HDM story

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Untitled HDM story

Postby TheGopher » Sat Dec 29, 2007 6:44 pm

After reading Lyra's Oxford, I started thinking about HDM and of what kind o story I could make, because I wanted to write one. And now I have an idea. I don't have it written yet but when I do I'll post it here.

Anyways, here is the gist of what I was thinking of:

It won't be about the characters of HDM so there is less chance of conflicting with PP's story. It will be about a man living in Lyra's world, currently unnamed, who trained in the art of the sword when he was younger because his family had a long line of traditional swordsmanship. But the age of swords has passed and he works as a guard in the Magisterium. But he is giving work as a guard on a zeppelin that transports children to a mysterious location and he must face a moral conflict when he figures out the secret of the zeppelin.

So what do you think? Would anyone be interested reading it if I write it?
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Postby TheGopher » Sat Dec 29, 2007 7:35 pm

sorry message mishap. Delete the replies to this message please
Last edited by TheGopher on Sat Dec 29, 2007 7:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby TheGopher » Sat Dec 29, 2007 7:38 pm

Oh not his is a different book. Edited by Scott Westerfeld.

here is what the back says:

His Dark Materials took you on a roller coaster ride through the parallel universes, into heaven and hell, from our world to the strange villagers of the mulefa. Buckle your seat belts, because the ride continues! In The World of the Golden Compass we'll explore the most fascinating aspects of the HDM trilogy, from the mysterious attraction of the ultimate power couple (Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter, of course) to why Iorek is so darn cool, from he secret lives of angels to how to find your very own Dæmon (clue: It's hidden somewhere in your brain).


It has about 15 contributing writers to it and talks deeper about the world.

Look here
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Postby latency » Sun Dec 30, 2007 1:36 am

In response to the first post, yea sounds like a good concept there. Good original concept to take the perspective of the enemy as a protagonist and have a side-switch.

Go for it!
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Postby shilshadu » Sun Dec 30, 2007 6:03 am

i like the concept, and look forward to seeing it penned out :)
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Postby hpgoldencompassempress » Sun Dec 30, 2007 9:42 pm

:lovesmile: I Love The notions you have; looks like you are onto something admirable ! You have alot of expression in your plans! I look forward to seeing it formulate! :idea:
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Postby TheGopher » Sun Dec 30, 2007 11:20 pm

Lol thanks. And sorry for the fist two replies to my post. My internet was messing up and the fact that it was going slow cause I have dial up didn't help. I would have deleted them, but i didn't know if there was a way to delete my own posts.

Anyways I plan to work on it today. And the mysterious place will be a lot like the institute in bolvangar (don't remember how to spell it. I'll have to look it up) but in a different location. So it is a different cutter place entirely, though still run by the Magisterium.
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Postby hpgoldencompassempress » Mon Dec 31, 2007 4:19 am

I understand about the dial-up. I once had it myself; I sympathize for everyone who has to deal with it. Internet is internet though I am glad to hear you are working on it. Gives me something to look forward to in the New Year! I look forward to reading about the significance of your Location in your small chronicle! :band: !
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Postby TheGopher » Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:55 pm

Prologue

The two stood, on guard with swords pointing forward at the ready and their arm behind to balance. Their Dæmon shifted from form to form, reflecting their moods. The girl quickly stepped forward and thrusted, aiming at the boy’s torso. The boy parried and aimed at her sword arm. A miss. Then the girl thrusted hard, connecting the wooden sword with his shoulder.

“Ow!” the boy yelled.

“Sorry, Kent.” She didn’t mean to thrust so hard. The sharp point didn’t go far under his skin, but it still left a few splinters. In anger, Kent swung the sword in front of him, Ella dodging just in time. Since only the points of the wooden swords were sharp, however, a blow from the edge of these swords would cause little more than a bruise.

“Hey! I said I was sorry!” she said, swinging back. She missed.

Kent sighed. “It’s okay. Heh, I didn’t know you were so good.”

“Yeah,” Ella said, taking out the bandages to fix her friend up. “Too bad I can’t compete in an official tournament.”

“But you’ll still watch me, right?”

“Of course!”

---

After Ella bandaged him up, they went to the pond behind her house. A frog hopped around until it mounted itself on top of a lily pad as green as its skin to wait for food. Minnows swam every which way, trying to escape the ripples previously made by the frog. The evening sun reflected brightly off the water. It was a beautiful day.

Kent’s Dæmon, Tarrecks, called “Rex” by Kent and his friends, took the form he most liked taking when Ella and her Dæmon, Meech, were around: a strong built red-furred wolf. He took this from mainly to impress Meech, who was currently a grey ferret. Though they were almost of-age, their Dæmon’s hadn’t settled yet.

Ella had her hand on Kent’s shoulder while Meech was curled up beside Rex. The sun was going down fast.

“Oh!” Kent exclaimed. “I almost forgot to show you the sword dad gave me just for the competition.”

“Yeah! I remember you telling me about that,” she said, smiling as she got up off of him. Kent stood up with her. “I bet you’re excited.”

“Yep, I am. D’you think there is still time to go back to my place and show you?” He lived just down the road but it was getting dark quick.

---

The sun had completely fallen by the time the couple made it to Kent’s house. He proudly showed off his new sword, a finely tuned rapier, recently polished which caused a bright gleam in the anbaric light.

“Wow…” Ella said, staring at the blade.

“I can’t wait to use this,” Kent stated, staring at the blade with her. Then he slid the sword into it’s sheath and set it up on the shelf.

“Well I better get home,” she said, starting to leave.

“Oh! I’ll walk you,” he said. “Come on, before it gets too late.”

They walked down the dark and deserted street, Kent holding on to an anbaric lantern with one hand and holding on to Ella’s own hand with the other. Their Dæmon, still in the wolf and furret forms, walked beside each other, basking in the emotion of the moment. But then Rex’s ears perked up. He heard something.

“Kent!” his Dæmon, his soul, said. “Someone coming.” But he was too late. A small, dark figure flew up, knocking the wolf to the ground and squawked as claws from the darkness cut at him. Kent yelled in pain with his Rex from this crow Dæmon. Meech was about to jump into the fray and help but was stopped in her tracks when Ella was grabbed from behind and a knife was at her throat.

“Run away boy!” said the man. “Or I’ll make you hurt more. And make her hurt too.” The fierce crow had the larger though inexperienced wolf Dæmon pinned down and its claws sunk deeper, creating more pain in both the wolf and the boy. Lust was in this man’s eyes. Only lust as he looked down at Ella, his prize. But as he looked down, both he and his crow Dæmon had their guard down. Rex slammed its fist into the smaller crow, which made it fly back and the man let go of Ella to hold his hurting face. “Ahh! Bastard!” yelled the man. Kent ran forward, taking out his wooden sword and jammed it into his side. “Oww! You little—” He swung his knife around in a blind furry, trying to find the boy with the wooden sword, who had withdrawn back away from the reach of his knife. But the little knife met something. It was Ella’s arm. Before Ella could react, the man was on top of her, thinking her to be Kent, and she screamed with pain until it was all over and her red ferret burst into shining particles, which faded away.



Commentary and Notes: About language. This prologue is set in Oxford, however how the kids talk are not like they probably would. For example, when someone in HDM might say "En't" instead of isn't and the like like that. The reason I left this out is because I do not know how to write it since I did not grow up in native oxford or even England. Though, in a later edition, after I reread the series, I'll add the accented words in.

Also, as you can tell by the prologue, this story will be dark. The main character is Kent and his Dæmon will settle almost right after this event as a wolf. The wolf form doesn't reflect his personality, however. He is no soldier or tracker. It reflects his mental state. This traumatic moment triggered his Dæmon to form as this wolf for the red-furred wolf was something that was fixed into the memory of Ella. What do you think of this idea?

Lastly, a note on the fencing. I decided to use fencing instead of older sword fighting since fencing is, today, a much wider sport than any other sword discipline. I just noticed a pun i accidentally made: wider. Swords used in fencing are generally skinnier than swords used in fighting. Anyways, the art the kids are practicing are fencing and for this story, since I know nothing about fencing, I have had to research it. Forgive me if, later on, it seems inaccurate to a professional fencer out there. But I just thought that fencing would seem more traditional even in this alternate world. Especially since gunpowder and the like are the main weapons used. Swordmanship is just a sport now. And fencing is that sport.

Anyways, there is the prologue. Please read and tell me what you think of it. Thanks. I'll try to get more in soon if I can.
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Postby ArcT » Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:58 pm

It's pretty good :) I'll work on a critique in the morning :P
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Postby TheGopher » Wed Jan 02, 2008 12:08 am

Ah ok thanks a lot lol. I apologize for it being short. The prologue was something i wrote up between reading book five of the great demonata series and playing front mission. Hopefully I'll get to work on more tonight.
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Postby Pausert » Wed Jan 02, 2008 1:39 am

I like it so far. As a fencer I can say that you did fine with the fencing aspect. The only thing there I would think about is that a rapier isn't a modern weapon but it will fit fine into your narrative. You're basing the fencing off epee I'm guessing?

The prologue is fine. I would like to draw your attention to your unnamed aggressor who kills Ella. "You little-" seems trite and takes away from what he is, a murderer. Also, he has lust for Ella? Unless this is key to the later story maybe you could use a word with a less sexual connotation.

I eagerly await the next installment! :)
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Postby TheGopher » Wed Jan 02, 2008 2:24 am

Ah ok thanks. The rapier was intentional. The way i interpreted HDM was that it was basically like now but with a little bit of less modern stuff and a little bit more modern stuff. When i see guns used in the books (not the movie) I see them as less modern guns. Kind of like in recent final fantasy games. So I wanted to use a rapier as opposed to the foil, saber, or epee because i thought of the sport of swordsmanship as a little less modern. However, I may change it.

Anyways, the man is not a murderer. He is a rapist looking for someone, a young person (unsettled is like a fetish for him). That is what the lust was for. Sorry if I didn't elaborate in the text. I wrote this in a short amount of time. And this rapist's story may be elaborated more later. And the "And you little" I might change when I flesh out the character more. And thanks for your critique. I appreciate any and all criticism.

Edit: Also you might think he is a murderer for him killing Ella outright. The reason he didn't stop when he jumped on her was because he was in a rage. He thought the young body under him was Kent and he couldn't really see very well. He was enraged by Kent attacking him and, without thinking, killed Ella. If it had been Kent instead of Ella, he would have felt bad for 'accidentally' killing him, but still would have raped Ella, yet leave her alive. And if Kent hadn't attacked him, he would have just raped Ella and left them both alive.
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Postby hpgoldencompassempress » Wed Jan 02, 2008 4:42 pm

:oops: :cry: I like how you started it off pleasant and ended up mournful! I love the names ella and kent there cool! All in all for being so short it was exceptional very satisfying! I look forward to more!! :idea: :thumbup:
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Postby TheGopher » Wed Jan 02, 2008 6:55 pm

Ah thanks. What I liked about HDM was that it was a different kind of fantasy. Its themes may not be as harsh as some, but it was darker than other fantasies. I mean, just look at the ending of the series. Though, in Lyra's Oxford Lyra seems to be going on fine, you can tell she has to cope with the events in the end of HDM

Anyways, I didn't get a chance to work on it much last night and my girlfriend is coming over today so I won't be able to work on it until later. But I can't wait to get working on it.
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Postby hpgoldencompassempress » Tue Jan 08, 2008 4:30 am

well i sure look forward to reading more of it. Yes i agree with you about HDM being darker The Amber Spyglass is now one of my favorite books and i have read ALOT!!! :D
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Postby TheGopher » Sat Jan 12, 2008 8:37 pm

Many apologies for taking so long to write the first chapter. I have been very busy over the past couple weeks. Well anyways, here it is the first chapter:



Chapter 1

“Why, Mister Ironcraft, do you wish to switch from your occupation as a constable to that of a zeppelin guard?

“Why do you ask, Coland?”

“Just because. I just do not know if you are mentally suitable for the job.”

“Mentally suitable? Your not my psychiatrist.”

“No, but I read your report, Kent,” Coland said. “ ‘Comitted to asylum after witnessing the death of your friend by a rapist.’ Good thing the constables got to you before the rapist could kill you as well, Mister Ironcraft.”

“I think he was too shocked to do anything else after that, sir.”

“What?”

“The rapist.”

“Oh yes… Ah ok. Well, this incident seems to be the reason you joined the police, correct?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Then why leave?”

Kent stared into space as the wolf formed Rex growled. Neither he nor Kent liked to be questioned like this. But Kent was too deep in thought to notice.

---

Kent and his partner, Barris, following a tip, came to the house and his partner used force to open up the door. Then he opened up a bedroom door inside and startled the two figures in bed. One was so scared that he fell off and landed with a thud.

“Get up!” Barris yelled to the man on the ground. For a few seconds, he remained quiet, still, and shocked as his Dæmon, a mouse, shivered beside him. “I said: Get up!” Barris pulled his gun out and fired blindly at the man on the ground, yet intentionally trying to miss. The man screamed in pain, however, as the bullet lodged into his bare leg.

“Kriss!” yelled the man still in bed. Kent motioned for Kriss’s partner to be quiet, for he knew all too well what Barris was capable of.

“Get up!”

“How do I get up with my leg in this shape?” the man questioned in a quiet, shaky voice, almost unintelligible even in the quiet of the night.

But this question proved fatal.

“Shut up and get up! You homosexual freak!” The bottom handle of Barris’s pistol slammed against his face and the man fell to the ground.

---

“Kent? Pay attention!” Coland stared at Kent in the eyes, trying to snap him out of his memory-induced trance.

“Just get me that job.”

“Okay. I’ll do what I can. You were always my favorite, Kent. You know that?”

“Yeah… I know.”

---

Kent Ironcraft and his Dæmon, Rex, left the constable office for the last time. Just as he walked out, he spotted his former partner, Barris. Barris waved. Kent didn’t wave back.

“What’s this I hear about you leaving?” Barris asked.

“Police work is just not for me, Barris.”

“So you’re just going to quit?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I guess I will see you later then.”

All in all, Kent thought, Barris was not so bad of a guy. Well, when he wasn’t wearing the badge. And Barris wasn’t the only constable like that. There was too much corruption in the field of police work. Maybe if he worked directly for the Magisterium, he wouldn’t see so much corruption.

Chief Coland had found him a job to work for a church-owned zeppelin that regularly headed north from London and back again. The job seemed simple. And no law enforcement. Who would ever attack a zeppelin in the first place? Kent didn’t know why a non-military class zeppelin needed guarding, but what did it matter the job as long as he performed well in it. His father would be proud when he heard the news. Paris Ironcraft worked for the Magisterium as well. And by a coincidence, he worked north in some facility known as Vondercant on an island just south (though farther south than Paris described) of Svalbard. When he would take visits back to London to see his family, he would tell tales of seeing the armored bears of Svalbard. “They were large and strong! You should have seen them, sonny,” he would tell him. His father constantly talked to Kent as if he was still a young boy. His two brothers would be fascinated by the tale though. Neither were in law enforcement. One, the oldest, was studying to be a professor at a college in Oxford but would always visit when he heard their father was coming over. The other worked with anbaric lighting and other such technologies. An aspiring professor and a ‘light man’. They were both fascinated in anything adventurous that had to do with the north, and like the little kids they used to be in those days long ago, they believed every bit of Paris’s tales.

Kent knew better. Paris had never been to Svalbard. Just Vondercant. The bears had no business outside of their secluded country. It made for a good story though. How the bears would jump gracefully in the water to catch their prey (how a bear could be gracefully, especially the war hardened ones of the north, was beyond Kent), how fierce they looked in full armor, and how surprisingly intelligent they were.

Kent was to go to the zeppelin port tomorrow, for it would leave in the evening. He looked around at London, knowing this will be the last time for awhile he will be able to fully appreciate the big city. He was neither told where the zeppelin was going nor what the cargo would be, but he didn’t care. As beautiful as the city was, he wanted to be away.

Kent continued walking the streets. But then a Dæmon and a youth caught his eye. The Dæmon was a grey ferret. The sight stabbed at his heart. The youth with her Dæmon on her shoulder ran forward, not noticing him, and almost crashed right into Kent. But Kent grabbed her shoulder gently to stop her and she immediately looked up. “Oh sorry… sir…” she said, half startled.

Then an older woman appeared, running after the girl and her Dæmon. “There you are, my daughter!” She looked up at the man staring at them. “Oh, dreadfully sorry, sir. Don’t mind my Sarah, here.”

“Oh it is quite alright, ma’am.”

“Oh okay. You know, you look familiar.”

“I’m a constable.”

“You are? In that get-up I never would have guessed—”

“Well, formerly a constable,” Kent corrected.

“Ah, okay. Well I’m Mira and this is Sarah, my daughter.”

“H-how do you do, sir?” Sarah said, nervous. Her Dæmon looked up at him then down at Rex. Rex attempted to smile, despite her wolf body and the limitations to her face. This relaxed Sarah’s Dæmon a bit.

Kent smiled as well as he said, “Quite fine, thank you. You have a very charming daughter. And I am Kent.”

“Ha! Charming, you say. Well, she has matured over the years. Can you believe her Dæmon is already settled?”

“Really?” Kent said, surprised. The girl couldn’t have been much older than ten and her Dæmon was already settled.

“Mom!” Sarah said, embarrassed.

“Well, I better get going,” Kent said finally, after a short silence.”

“Oh alright, Kent. Well pleasure meeting you.”

Kent left with Rex. “I thought they were nice,” she said.

“Yeah, me too.” The nice people was what Kent would miss when he left London. How few there were any nice people, however, but they were there.



Commentary and Notes: I must clarify that Rex is female, despite the male name. That was what was intended however when i wrote the prologue and even when i proofread it, it slipped my mind the fact that i had presented Tarrecks as a male. Kent is not one of the few who have a same sex Dæmon and when i get the time i will edit the prologue. Sorry for the typo. I'm surprised no one caught on to it.

And as you can see I have presented homosexuality as a crime. It seems to fit the world that Phillip Pullman has made. I know not if this is true though. Also the corruption that is mentioned is not the law against homosexuality but the way Barris (and other constables as well) treated the two homosexuals. And as you can see, even though Kriss's unnamed partner died by Barris, he apparently didn't seem to get into trouble for it.

One last note: I refer to the constables as both that and the police. I do not know if this is so in England though. I just know that they are referred to as constables. Please correct me if I am wrong. I tried searching for the answer but could not find it.
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Postby latency » Sun Jan 13, 2008 1:47 am

This is really good dude, it's flowing at a good pace, with descriptions in the right place.

Things are to the point and accurate, and clearly you're not afraid to add in some graphic stuff to nail in the seriousness of the situation.
Be a little careful with gun use though, while it's clear that Barris was over-zealous, firing a gun with no armed adversary is fairly unlikely. Brutality is fine though, based on the situation.

There's a few petty grammatical errors, but they're more typos than technique, so I'm not going to dwell on that.

In regards to the constable, it's an old-fashioned term, but still in use today, so it fits Lyra's world perfectly.
The Police is a collective term for the law enforcement, and a section would be a constabulary, containing police constables- now generally known as Police Officers, owing to their much broader field of work.
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Postby TheGopher » Mon Jan 14, 2008 10:41 pm

ah ok thanks. Everything i write is subject to change since it is fresh. Every few chapters or so i'll go back, proofread again, and possibly change some things to make them make more sense. I might change the gun use part or make it to where Barris accidentally sets his gun off but the fact of the matter is that the guy has to die. It shows the brutality of a society based on a corrupt church. It's not just the death, it's just that the law does nothing to stop it or to punish the constable responsible.

Also sorry for the time it takes me to write it. I have been very busy lately but hopefully I can get on to the next chapter. I do not know how long I am going to make this story, however, but I do have an exact plot in sight. After I finish reading League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Black Dossier (great book so far) I'll either work on my author report I have to do on Richard Wright (I really wish we could choose our OWN author to report on. If we could I would have easily chosen HP Lovecraft since he is dead. He was a major inspiration for my horror story series) or work on this.

Oh and thanks for clearing up the constable term. I didn't want to be laughed at by English people because of my American ignorance lol.
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Postby subtle_sword » Mon Jan 14, 2008 10:50 pm

my fan fic will have swords, but my character is a bit rubbish with his sword... but yeah really good like it, like the idea of a swordsman.... shame i would of used that...oh well :p
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Postby Magisterium's Officer » Mon Jan 14, 2008 11:44 pm

I normally do not like fan fiction, but this one his really good.
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Postby TheGopher » Tue Jan 15, 2008 1:50 am

ah ok thanks. Most fan fics i have read focus more on a lot of action or a lot of romance or just weird crossovers. I wanted to be different and focus on a kind of grim drama

And i love swords too. That's why i just had to implement it into the story and now it is a major part of it. I'll keep writing guys.
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Re: Untitled HDM story

Postby RichardWalter » Wed Jan 11, 2017 12:29 pm

Hello there! In case you need to proofread your written story, it is better to start with the essential guide on how to do it: http://getessayeditor.com/blog/10-tips-how-to-edit-and-proofread-your-own-book - it represents innovative techniques to simplify this process!
RichardWalter
Unsettled Dæmon
Unsettled Dæmon
 
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