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Here We Go Again

Hollywood's got its grubby mitts on yet another trilogy that they're going to beat to death with promises of multi-million-dollar budgets and action figures and "ALETHIOMETER WITH REAL TRUTH-TELLING ACTION" advertising bumpf. On the 7th of December, 2007, The Golden Compass, The Movie, will be released upon an unwitting world. WE MUST NOW BOW BEFORE OUR NEW LINE CINEMA MASTERS.

I mean, come on! It's time to open your eyes, Hollywood- where will it end? First, the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Don't get me wrong, those films were good in their own right, but missing out such important parts of a book cannot just be forgiven. And then there's Master Potter and his minions parading around in black frocks. The books were magical. The films were not.

And they change things, too. Not leave them out, but change them. For instance, Iofur Raknison, the self-proclaimed King of the Bears, has been renamed to Ragnar Sturlusson, presumably because it confused a cigar-chomping executive or two somewhere along the line.

But wait- no, I can understand. Seriously, I really can – because personally, I always got confused between Harry and Draco, but that's just me, I guess.

Then there’s the budget. $150,000,000.00 is a very large amount of zeros. That’s nearly two Jumbo Jets. 838 Ferraris. 150 MILLION hot dogs. What in God’s name are they spending it on!? There’s millions of people starving in third world countries, and I hate to play the peaceful environmentalist card, but you’ve just got to stop and think what’s more necessary here. Do we want to see a film that will be as predictable as a clown’s custard-pie fight, or do we want to help somebody else instead? We have better things to spend money on than yet another book-turned-into-movie.

But people will just accept it. "New movie? Let's GO!" A cast of A-list celebrities that everyone wants to be- Daniel Craig, better known as a certain Mr. Bond. Eva Green, better also known as Vesper Lynd. See a trend there? Oh, but surely not! Surely Hollywood hasn’t tricked the cinema-going masses by just re-hashing the Casino Royale acting!?

But let’s pause on that for a second- it’s time to play a game. Specifically, a game called “Spot the Difference Between Jimmy B. and Lord Asriel”:

  1. Emotionally detached
  2. Apparently cold-hearted
  3. Interesting ways of problem-solving
  4. Completely focused upon the task at hand
  5. Confident in own ability- to the point of recklessness

The only difference I can see there is the problem solving. Lord Asriel’s are invariably less explosive. But that’s about it. And the same can be said for Eva Green’s character Serafina Pekkala.

Congratulations, Hollywood- you've done it again. People will not go to see The Golden Compass because they liked the books- they'll go because they liked James Bond.

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